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Fiction. © Copyright 1997, Jim Loy
Arthur, Ted, and Frank hadn't seen each other in years. They had been friends in college. Arthur encountered Ted outside the building where Ted worked. He suggested that they look up Frank, and try to get together for a reunion of sorts. Ted arranged for them to meet out at Frank's cabin in the woods.
Later in the week, at Frank's cabin, they were reminiscing over a few cans of beer. And somehow the subject of the perfect crime came up.
Frank said that he had heard that there is no perfect crime, only imperfect detection. Ted said that nothing's perfect, except in mathematics. Arthur said that he thought that he could commit a crime, and never get caught. They argued about this for a while.
Then Arthur said, "Let me give you an example. Let's say that I were to kill, oh, Frank here, tonight."
"Why would you want to kill Frank?"
"Oh, because he has dirty fingernails."
Frank looked at his fingernails.
"You can't kill someone because he has dirty fingernails." Ted looked at his fingernails.
"Don't you think we should?" Arthur laughed.
Frank was a little shook up. "But, you wouldn't get away with it. Ted's a witness." That seemed to calm him down.
"Oh, you think the police would believe Ted? I think they would arrest him and hang him for killing you."
Now Ted was a little upset. "Why would they think I did it, instead of you?"
Arthur said, "Because I'm not here."
Ted and Frank said simultaneously, something to the effect of, "What do you mean?"
"Call my apartment and see."
Ted picked up the phone, and dialed the number that Arthur gave him. The phone rang twice, then Ted heard a whistling sound on the phone. "What's that?"
"That's a computer, answering my phone. The police will find that I am at home, and just answered my phone."
Ted said, "But the police will figure out that your computer could answer the phone. I would bring that up myself, when they questioned me."
"I don't own a computer. I borrowed that one."
"They'll find out you borrowed it."
"Are you sure? How would they find that out? Its owner doesn't even know that I borrowed it."
Frank said, "This is getting creepy. Let's change the subject."
Arthur said. "Sorry. I'm just trying to say that , although it may not be a perfect crime, I think I could get away with it. I think it would be interesting."
Ted said, "So Frank is killed, and you're not here. How will the police know that I'm here?"
"Oh, I suppose your fingerprints are all over this place. Besides, you made the phone call to Frank, on your office phone, asking to meet him here. I'm sure the police will notice that phone call, too."
Ted said, "Oh really, well you left fingerprints, too."
Arthur said, "I don't think so, I know what I touched. And I wiped my prints off each beer can that I touched. What have you touched?"
Ted looked worried.
Arthur said, "Here, stand up, both of you. I want to show you something." He continued, "Now point your finger at Frank. Pretend it's a gun."
Frank muttered, "Jeez Louise."
Ted pointed his finger, and there was a loud bang. Frank fell to the floor, bleeding and probably dead. Ted jerked his hand back, as if it had actually fired a bullet. There, where his hand had been was a smoking gun in Arthur's hand.
"You bastard! You shot him!"
Arthur was wiping his fingerprints off the gun. He held it with a towel wrapped around the barrel. "Would you like to handle this?"
Ted cringed away from Arthur.
Arthur said, "The police perform a little test that will show that you have gun powder on your hand."
"So do you!"
Arthur peeled a thin layer of rubber off his hands, rolled it into a little ball and put it in the burning fireplace.
Ted said, "I won't let you leave here."
"Oh, I have a black belt in karate. Do you? Well, I'll be leaving now. I have to return a computer."
Ted picked up the gun, and shouted, "Stop right there!"
Arthur paused and said, "Sorry, no more bullets." He added, "Be sure to tell the police that I killed him because he had dirty fingernails." He laughed. He got into his car and drove away.
Ted was nearly in tears, as he stood looking at the gun in his hands. Then he hear a moaning sound. Frank was still alive. Ted drove him to the hospital. Frank recovered.
Arthur is in prison, for attempted murder.