Black Hole Disappearance -- Black holes are objects so dense that
neither light nor much else can escape its gravitational pull. Kind of like
the Internal Revenue Service.
Bribery -- If you are like my husband, you just cannot even imagine,
in your wildest dreams, that your child, your own flesh and blood, the apple
of your eye, the light of your life, doesn’t want to learn to ride her bike.
Camping -- There’s nothing like a good camping trip to make you appreciate
just comfortable your bed can be.
Clairvoyant College -- The best part of enrolling in a clairvoyant college,
like the one in Ananheim, California, is that you don’t have to register.
They already know you’re coming.
Defiance -- “Eat your dinner,” I warned her. It’s one of those sayings
that I could put on a tape recording and just press the ‘play’ button every
night. She picked up her fork and started tapping it on the side of
her plate, all the while looking at me with narrowed eyes. Where was
my little angel? Where was the kid who ran up to me after school full of
pride with her worksheets flapping from her hand?
Doing Nothing -- When I was a kid, one of my favorite kinds of days were
the ones where you don't have to do anything. Like a day off in the
middle of the week. It's a wonderful lazy feeling when I'm not out
of the house by nine. But when I'm not dressed by ten - neither is my four-year-old.
Which means one thing -- my house becomes a class one, FEMA-endorsed disaster
area. I'm lucky if the president doesn't show up to sign me on for federal
funding.
Food Curse -- Well, at least my daughter has a mind of her own, I think
as I prepare a peanut butter and jelly sandwich instead of the Chicken Parmigiana
I made for the rest of us.
Germ Warfare -- How can all these cute, charming second graders have turned
into disease carrying monsters?
Good night Mom -- When the lights go off somewhere after 8:30 and before
9:00 p.m. my mind drifts, my heads finds a comfortable spot between the
giant bunny rabbit and the ruggedly handsome teddy bear, I’m toast.
My night is shot.
Growing Out of Your Body -- For those of you who don’t know what
it’s like being pregnant, let me fill you in. And for those of who know
what it’s like, let’s commiserate. It’s kind of like an out-of-body experience
except for that the one fact that it’s entirely in-body.
Hunting Season -- Television season is officially open. I don’t mean
re-runs are going to stop, or that previews of new shows are on the air.
I mean hunting season. Last weekend my husband and I braved the wild
woods to catch us a wooly television picture tube.
I believe in Santa Claus -- This year a classmate told my daughter that
there is no Santa Claus. She just laughed at him and said, “Just wait until
Christmas morning when he gets a present from Santa – boy will he be surprised!”
And it is that determined belief, unshakable, true, and strong that is so
beautiful. I never want to see it destroyed.
Kindergarten -- For my daughter’s first day of kindergarten everything
seemed on schedule and going fine. Except me.
Learning to Ride -- My daughter’s bicycle had been a bone of contention
between us for just about a year now, when her best friend learned to ride
without training wheels and my daughter showed absolutely no interest in trying
it. Somehow my daughter was as immune to peer pressure as she was to
the measles, mumps and rubella. She rode her bike so slow, it looked
like she was testing out the micro-gravity environment in space.
Misconceptions About Pregnancy -- When I became pregnant there were a lot
of things I suspected were entailed with pre-motherhood – like not being
able to wear my favorite jeans for a while – but there were a lot more things
I heard, that turned out to be big fat LIES!
Motherhood: the Ultimate Challenge -- After ten weeks of motherhood I can
tell you there are a few areas in which I have become an expert. Tuning
my ear to the slightest difference in pitch and sound, (No doubt honed when,
for the first two weeks I stood over my infant daughter and listened to
nothing but her breathing; while at the same time my husband grew extra
flaps over his ears.) I can now detect the very best rendition of “Over
the Rainbow” played by all of my daughter’s wind up toys.
My Daughter’s Day -- I wish someone would invent a video camera I can attach
onto my daughter’s head so I can see what she does at school. When
I pick her up, I ask, “How was school today?” She says, “Good.”
That’s it.
Over the Hill and Beyond -- You've heard of Whistler's Mother and the saying,
"Life begins at 40." I'm here to tell you -- It's all true!!
Who would have thought that a dyed in the wool city girl, with the physical
prowess of Larry, Curly and Moe, would be shushing down the slopes or hitting
a golf ball onto the green in one stroke. A few years ago the word
"birdie" was what I was teaching my toddler to say when the chickadees landed
in our backyard. Shushing was something I did to my four-year-old when
I was on the phone.
Power Tools -- OK, guys, I get it. I finally get it. I whole-heartedly
apologize for ever doubting the importance of power tools. It is a
magnificent feeling -- holding a power tool in your hand. It can make the
weak strong and the meek brave. I am converted. I have seen the
light.
Practice Makes Perfect -- I have been following my five-year-old and my
husband around the house, practically nipping at their heels, picking up after
them. I know I’m annoying. I know I’m nagging. But, hey, that’s
my job. And a full-time job it is.
Praise the Wonders of Technology – It’s not the typewriter that got me
thinking about technology. No sir-ree. It’s my brand spanking new dishwasher.
Soccer Mom -- Faster than a dripping nose. More powerful than
a bag of fruit snacks. Able to leap across playing fields with
a single bound. Look, in the parking lot! It’s a bird, it’s plane,
no it’s Soccer Mom.
The More Things Change -- Lately, I‘ve noticed that my hearing has greatly
improved. Ever since we had our daughter I’ve been feeling like the
Bionic Woman.
The Pig -- While driving my daughter to school this week, my eye caught
on a dark, furry animal by the side of the road. I immediately thought it
was a dog, because it was too big to be a skunk.
To Dose is Human… To Sleep Divine -- … But almost killing yourself
and beloved family members isn’t the only hazard in sleep deruv…depriv…
lack of sleep syndrome. There is also the very real danger of losing your
spouse – and I don’t mean forgetting where you left him.
Touch Tone Misery -- If you would like to read this column please press
1.
Warm Temps -- We haven’t had many horror stories this year. In fact,
we feel kind of gypped. There’s nothing more satisfying than shocking your
old friends and relatives with unbelievably cold temperatures in January
and piles of snow in August. It makes us feel special, tough, invincible.
Wives of Engineers -- My husband is the most loving father I’ve ever known.
But the first time he had to feed our baby by himself I found to my astonishment
the use of a scientific theory on our child. I came into the room
and there he was on the couch with our baby daughter lying horizontally
across his lap. My husband held her bottle at precisely a ninety-degree
right angle to her mouth, happily seeing his experiment through – on our
baby! He told me it was more efficient that way.
